I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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