yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize