I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
