I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
