So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
