I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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