____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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