i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
