Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
