Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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