It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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