sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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