hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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