he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
