I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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