***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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