Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
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