My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
