I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
