porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i think my cat just said my name.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
