Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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