Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
