Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
