i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
