the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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