forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
