look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
