But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
