I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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