dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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