could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
