I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize