I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
