I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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