I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
