I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think my mom watched the whole time
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
