oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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