woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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