turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
