Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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