Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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