I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
