My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
