He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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