I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
