i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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