I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
