I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize