I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
