I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
