What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
