She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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