I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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