Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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