Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
