you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
