saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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