I wish I could punch you in the face.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize