I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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