You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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