There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
