I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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