Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
