Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize