Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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