Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
