How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
40s are totally the cure
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
